my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
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“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good