I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Whoa 😂
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you