Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Easy enough.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns