911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*