As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think