An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
You Might Also Like
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The legends speak of a third Duran…
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.