My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma