No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.