Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA