Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
You Might Also Like
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.