Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited