[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I mean…but I did
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever