Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’m not proud
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.