Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.