[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.