[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy