[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.