[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
he looks great for his age
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.