6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
how many bears make up a bear minimum
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.