Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
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[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Storm Tropical Storm
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
i made a craigslist ad !
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced