Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real