Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“How’s your day going?”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.