changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god