The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not