ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
You Might Also Like
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
shut up and take my money
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend: