Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Denise please return my vape pen
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.