Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!