Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate