(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course