Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
You Might Also Like
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.