wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.