Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂