Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
🤣🤣
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
grotesque if literal: baby food
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex