ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
courtroom exchange of the day
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
meow
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.