Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”