girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
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me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
😏😏😏