[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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