Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Venn
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”