I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?