Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
This kid will have a bright future.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.