[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.