These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You Might Also Like
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.