Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
This is amazing.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!