Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
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In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics