Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You Might Also Like
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.