I am HOWLING at this
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Harsh but fair
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.