Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.