*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
You Might Also Like
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Life cycle of cat
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
oh shit
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.