“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!