Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Not today. 😅
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.